The funny thread, keep them coming

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The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Sun 21 Nov 2010, 9:24 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  The Zodiac on Sun 21 Nov 2010, 10:24 pm

lmao lmao lmao lmao lmao lmao

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Mon 06 Dec 2010, 7:09 pm

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into a pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have Mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"




The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.




The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now.
That's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  FreeMason on Mon 06 Dec 2010, 10:04 pm

i'm not saying my wife is a bad cook.

but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer...........
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Epic_Dragon on Tue 07 Dec 2010, 9:40 am

lmao lmao

classic Very Happy
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Tue 07 Dec 2010, 9:46 am

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham
and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of
beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,
(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.


The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down


The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and
Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know
you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and
Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',
to which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and
Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties.
You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...
































'Mixin-me-toasties.'
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  RAT BAG on Tue 07 Dec 2010, 11:33 am

bahahahahahahahaaha that is awesome
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  tastig on Wed 08 Dec 2010, 6:05 pm

a young guy full of attitude walks into the bar and spots a jar full of $100 notes stuffed in a jar behind the bar ...
whats the deal with that he says
well says the barman ... it cost you $100 to take the challange .....see that big kiwi dude over there covered in tatts..you have to fight him and win .. ..then there is a viscious pitbull downstairs with an infected tooth .. you have to pull that out... and finally if you get past that .. see that old scraggy women in the corner with the flys hanging around her crotch.. you have to have sex with her....then you get the jar of cash
"im in" says the young dude......he hands over his $100 and walks straight up to the kiwi SMACK ...knocks him clean out...
everyone in the bar looks in amazement... then downstairs he heads..
upstairs they can hear a hell of a ruckus .. thumping , dog yelping etc.... all of a sudden the young guy appears at the top of the stairs ...everyone in the bar is shocked..no one has made it this far before ... the old stinky bird in the corner starts smiling in anticipation...then the young guy shouts all covered in sweat and dog hair
"RIGHT WHERE IS THAT OLD SCRAG WITH THE SORE TOOTH" Shocked Question Question Question
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  vanman69 on Thu 09 Dec 2010, 10:53 am

this is a bit of a joke

http://www.scaryvan.com/home.html

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Thu 09 Dec 2010, 7:19 pm

>
> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
> Family values.
>
> Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
>
> Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
> Intelligence come from?'
>
> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
> Cause I still have mine.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
> Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
>
> 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
> Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
> Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
> At all.'
>
> 'Me neither doc,' said the husband.. 'But she's a great cook and really
> Good with the kids.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
> Been living with for the last 40 years.
>
> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
> That were used to put the curse on you.'
>
> The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches.
>
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
> Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
>
> The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
>
> 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>
> 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
>
> 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>
> 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
>
> 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
>
> Joe: 'Really?'
>
> Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
> Asks him how he is feeling.
>
> 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
> Surgery,' he answered.
>
> 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
>
> 'Oops!'
> !
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
> Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
> I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
> Advice.
>
> 'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
>
> 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
>
> He's still in intensive care.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
> Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
> Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
> There.'
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Sun 12 Dec 2010, 8:43 am


At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and its Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it- Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already?

The moral of the story: Dont be afraid of getting old, ALZHEIMERS has its advantages.
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Sun 12 Dec 2010, 2:38 pm

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door last night.

I asked him in, sat him down and said "Right, what do you want to talk about ?"

He said "Fark knows ............. I've never got this far before"
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Thu 16 Dec 2010, 1:53 pm

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you
are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:25 am

Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
"You get out and check - you were driving. "
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer, " says Julia.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,
hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you tell them?', asks Julia.

"I"m Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Epic_Dragon on Mon 20 Dec 2010, 11:04 am

LOL Very Happy where do u guys find these Very Happy
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  ERAGON on Fri 24 Dec 2010, 1:33 pm

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy
a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.



She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a
lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  ERAGON on Fri 24 Dec 2010, 1:35 pm

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  ERAGON on Fri 24 Dec 2010, 1:56 pm

now lets see how much trouble i can get into Laughing Laughing
women as explained by engineers

chances of a man winning an argument


mission: go buy a pair of pants

and finally have you ever wondered how a womens brain works?
well ist finaly explained in a easy to see diagram

every one of those blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done a problem or a dessision that needs to be solved or made'.
a man has only 2 ball and they take up all his thoughts
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Sun 02 Jan 2011, 9:44 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....


WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!


I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries right?!!


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and....
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do
it again, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ...
That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.....
Still in shock.!!!



P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Tue 04 Jan 2011, 9:49 am

Some of you here already know this story, but i thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that ****ing Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Thu 06 Jan 2011, 4:57 pm

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.

We're on our final descent .. I want to thank you for flying with us today

and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.’

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....

Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner....

I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and

down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............

He's gotta land the plane and have a shit first.'
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Thu 06 Jan 2011, 4:59 pm

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies $60.
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia shirt.
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Thu 13 Jan 2011, 10:25 am

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.


I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."


She said, "You watch porn."



Bitch…
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  The Zodiac on Thu 13 Jan 2011, 3:10 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol! geek

Keep em coming guys! NOS

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Fri 14 Jan 2011, 8:59 am


I just got off the phone with friend living in northern Michigan near the Canadian border. He said that since this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

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