The funny thread, keep them coming

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Fri 28 Oct 2011, 9:19 am

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. He said "Hello toes. How are you?
You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had!
Remember how we walked in the park
every Sunday afternoon in the summer?
The times we waltzed on the dance floor?
Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.” he continued. "How are you?
You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had!
Remember when we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together.
Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie!
You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Fri 30 Dec 2011, 9:11 am

Laughing
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant, about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says; "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About five minutes pass and the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Wed 04 Jan 2012, 9:03 am

Beer symptoms

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.


SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.


SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  vanman69 on Wed 04 Jan 2012, 10:06 am

love it mate, few words of wisdom in there thumbsup

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Mad Van on Wed 04 Jan 2012, 3:55 pm

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  serendipity on Sun 08 Jan 2012, 6:38 pm

love it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaQ_c1UoXF8
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Mon 27 Feb 2012, 8:53 am

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy......my balls itch!'.
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Tue 10 Apr 2012, 6:24 pm

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, Woopsie... You don't even know the way to the Post Office
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 5:30 pm

A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, Dribble on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Oh Grandfather! " replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, Dribble all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The SS"
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Special Delivery on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 7:51 pm

3 dwarfs sitting in the local pub,when one dwarf says gee i think ive got the smallest hands in the world, the second dwarf looks down at his feet and thinks hes got the smallest feet. the third dwarf drops his dacks and says i think ive got the smallest dick in the world, they all have a giggle and wonder off to the guiness book of records building to register the first dwarf comes out of the building saying yes yes smallest hands in the world, second dwarf comes out running yes yes smallest feet in the world the third dwarf comes out all dejected saying who the hell is the zodiac Very Happy lmao
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  The Zodiac on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 8:48 pm

Special Delivery wrote:who the hell is the zodiac Very Happy lmao

If you only knew........you'd be famous!!!

lmao lmao lmao

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Special Delivery on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:06 pm

sorry i meant to write the largest in the world, spell check not working banhim
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  serendipity on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:08 pm

i thought my new girlfriend was "the one" but after looking thru her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, i changed my mind... she obviously can,t hold down a job! Laughing
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  fc59 on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:30 pm

H-aving
A-nger
T-owards
E-veryone
that somes me up very well

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  fc59 on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:31 pm

first Get your facts straight.................................................... then you can distort them as you please
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  fc59 on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:31 pm

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  fc59 on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:32 pm

There is nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it

tonight forcast is dark

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  The Zodiac on Mon 23 Apr 2012, 9:48 pm

fc59 wrote:Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


That's gold! Twisted Evil

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Tue 24 Apr 2012, 4:43 pm

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Tue 08 May 2012, 9:13 am

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

"**** off, she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Thu 10 May 2012, 8:08 am

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders.." Guess where I am now...
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Mon 02 Jul 2012, 7:40 pm

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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Fri 06 Jul 2012, 9:28 am

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare,

"granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible.

My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner.

We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.

Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour.

We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.

You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.

The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.

Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down.

I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come.

In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about **** knows what!
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Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

Post  Imperfection on Fri 28 Sep 2012, 7:36 pm

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Finally, the guys' side of the story.

Post  Kronik on Mon 10 Dec 2012, 9:29 pm

We always hear 'the rules' From the female side ...Now here are the rules from the male side. Maybe you should show this to your GF and make sure she understands before saying "YES"

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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