Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

**RAT BAG** Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:21 am

haha i got the same thing last night in a text from a mate that lives in Rockhampton, said its doing the rounds up there

**Imperfection** Thu 20 Jan 2011, 8:30 pm

If Men Got Pregnant...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.

* There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

* Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

* Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.

* They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

* Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

* Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

**Imperfection** Mon 31 Jan 2011, 6:05 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'

**Imperfection** Wed 02 Feb 2011, 6:08 pm

zebo is a 1/2 blind 5 year old african orphan, who has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only 1 leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. if you give a donation of just $2, we'll send you the dvd- its

f#@king hilarious

**The Zodiac** Thu 03 Feb 2011, 10:08 pm

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It’s whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind.

**Imperfection** Fri 04 Feb 2011, 1:47 pm

I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.
I only asked for a bomber jacket.
Touchy barstards.

I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight.
2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, and a big red box.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
All I said was, "will you barstards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes, then dropped the mike on his foot and said "F##k me".
What happened next will haunt me forever..

**The Zodiac** Sun 06 Feb 2011, 11:32 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out
of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the
job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that
he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that
he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where is the money Enzo signs
back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask
him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried
behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

**The Zodiac** Sun 06 Feb 2011, 11:38 pm

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.

He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while.I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinafella he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin' him either.'

The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,

'SUPPLIES!!! !'

**Imperfection** Mon 07 Feb 2011, 10:44 am

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

**Imperfection** Fri 11 Mar 2011, 3:35 pm

Karaoke for the illiterate

The funny thread, keep them coming - Page 2 Chameleon

[/quote]

**INVADER** Wed 20 Apr 2011, 5:28 pm

Where was this mechanic when I had my van back in the 80's, needed a good looking mechanic!!!!!!!!! wow

The funny thread, keep them coming - Page 2 The_me10

**Imperfection** Fri 20 May 2011, 1:48 pm

A dog lover, whose female dog was 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next (even though it was very late), she called the vet who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing of the phone will make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked

"It just worked on me" he replied.

**Imperfection** Tue 31 May 2011, 6:52 pm

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

**Imperfection** Thu 02 Jun 2011, 5:10 pm

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ........ well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Mad Van Fri 03 Jun 2011, 6:28 pm

SYDNEY TOURIST

Got a phone call from a mate last night.

He had just got back from a day out in Sydney Harbour and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''

He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was at the Opera House steps and was just passing the time of day with them.

After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group against the balcony with the Harbour Bridge in the back ground and were all smiling at the camera.

Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they all ran past me, screaming and I never saw them again!!''

**Imperfection** Fri 10 Jun 2011, 9:55 am

Little Johnny! (Bless the little Bar Stool)
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..…….Italians make pizza with dough."
Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary."Dough, D O U G H …….. …. my brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

**Imperfection** Wed 15 Jun 2011, 9:54 am

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.

**Imperfection** Mon 20 Jun 2011, 9:08 pm

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

**INVADER** Wed 22 Jun 2011, 8:21 pm

Guys I am having so much trouble with my computer, I keep playing with the CTRL and ALT while banging on the Delete key but nothing seems to happen Shocked

The funny thread, keep them coming - Page 2 936c5610

**INVADER** Fri 24 Jun 2011, 10:01 am

Going to Hell joke
A bloke dies and finds himself in hell. Upon arrival he meets the devil, who says, "No need to look so sad, we actually have a lot of fun around here. Do you drink?" The damned man nods. The devil says, "Great, well all we do on Mondays is drink booze all day. Whiskey, beer, brandy... you name it! Now do you smoke?" The newly-dead bloke nods excitedly again. "Great news," says the devil. "All we do on Wednesdays is chain smoke cigarettes. Any brand, as many as you like." The man is now very happy and looks forward to settling in when the devil remembers something. "One more thing," asks the devil. "Have you ever had an extreme colonic irrigation before?" The bloke looks puzzled and shakes his head. "Oh, well you're going to really hate Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays then." Laughing

________________________________________

FreeMason Fri 24 Jun 2011, 12:23 pm

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor..

Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the
bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to
attracter.....

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for
their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year
I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you
going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"..... Mick
says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet
mine."