Re: The funny thread, keep them coming

**INVADER** Tue 05 Jul 2011, 12:48 pm

Can watch over and over again, it's an all time legend movie
https://youtu.be/hirZFmRwXvE

FreeMason Tue 05 Jul 2011, 4:48 pm

and a super cool song.

HBWC Wed 13 Jul 2011, 12:43 am

**INVADER** Wed 13 Jul 2011, 11:03 am

New style of aerodynamic cars coming to Australia soon Laughing

The funny thread, keep them coming - Page 3 Post-810

Mad Van Wed 13 Jul 2011, 5:52 pm

Needs more spoilers.

FreeMason Fri 15 Jul 2011, 10:33 am

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

**Imperfection** Fri 15 Jul 2011, 10:44 am

This is sparta
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0AAhj6L2fE&feature=relmfu
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8vyJ3WBz-c&feature=related

FreeMason Sun 17 Jul 2011, 1:44 pm

bed time story by Noni Hazlehurst

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xtcB457jqQ&feature=player_detailpage

**INVADER** Mon 18 Jul 2011, 2:16 pm

Massage with Happy Ending Shocked

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVxJijzrfJQ&feature=player_detailpage

**Imperfection** Tue 19 Jul 2011, 9:13 am

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

**Imperfection** Fri 05 Aug 2011, 7:13 pm

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

**Imperfection** Fri 19 Aug 2011, 7:02 pm

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit Dribble off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

**Imperfection** Tue 23 Aug 2011, 8:12 am

I was in in the public toilet - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"........
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?".......
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?" .........
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!

makoman Tue 23 Aug 2011, 9:44 am

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb!!
Only 2!!

I still cant figure out how the little buggers got in there in the first place!!!

**Imperfection** Wed 24 Aug 2011, 8:06 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This bloke and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies

**Imperfection** Thu 01 Sep 2011, 9:28 am

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist".
The proctologist fainted.

**Imperfection** Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:25 am

A Bloke walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tell everyone in the pub this is the worlds most amazing octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $500 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guy pays his $500.

Another Guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy also pays up his $500.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around for several minutes, turning them over round an round.

"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it senseless as soon as I work out how to get these tartan pajamas off"

Dragon Fri 16 Sep 2011, 11:34 pm

Went to Maccas and the girl serving behind the counter was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty,tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me of, so I walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks. Here was another girl wearing a burga, but hers was clean, tidy and it was decorated with beads and sequins.

Thats when I realised, the burqa's are better at Hungry Jacks

**The Zodiac** Fri 07 Oct 2011, 11:51 am

**Imperfection** Wed 12 Oct 2011, 9:15 am

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,... ............look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

**Al510** Wed 12 Oct 2011, 10:06 am

Imperfection wrote:A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,... ............look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

Haha, that is a classic.

**Imperfection** Wed 12 Oct 2011, 2:44 pm

> A man suspected of SARs is lying in the hospital bed with a mask over his
> mouth.
>
> A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
> "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
> Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to
> wash your face and hands." He struggles again to talk through his mask an
> repeats, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
>
> Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face
and
> hands."
>
> The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
> she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my
> testicles black?"
>
> Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.
>
> She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, had a
real
> good look, pulled his pajamas back up, replaced the bedclothes and
> announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!" At this point, the man
> pulled off his mask and screams out, "I SAID, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK
??!!"

**The Zodiac** Thu 13 Oct 2011, 11:07 pm

The effects of beer!!!

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

**Imperfection** Mon 17 Oct 2011, 9:16 am

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the ...lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya frikkin idiot!"

**Imperfection** Wed 26 Oct 2011, 10:26 am

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